The Hanar Incident
by Lost Triforce
Summary: Shepard and Miranda have never gotten along. However, after watching a certain famous movie about space and warfare, Shepard devises a plot to get the two to finally bond... And it goes horribly wrong. ME2, side fic to A Very Vakarian Christmas.


**This is briefly mentioned in Chapter 6 of A Very Vakarian Christmas, so i thought I'd go ahead and write it out! Enjoy, r&r!**

It started off innocently enough.

Shepard had called together one of her "Female Staff Meetings" in her loft for the evening, which were really just slumber parties for the women of the SR2 to bond together. They'd become increasingly good at fooling the men of the Normandy that they were really talking about business that pertained only to the women- were there enough tampons to go round? Birth control? Did they feel like they were being treated properly by the male staff? In reality it was a time for discussing boys, watching old vids, and playing truth or dare like a bunch of teenagers.

That night Star Wars was the vid of choice, though no one really seemed to be paying attention. Shepard was sitting cross-legged on the floor, braiding Gabby's hair as she told old tales about her childhood in Kenya. Tali and Kasumi were off in the corner of the room gossiping about Jacob, Jack was locked in an arm wrestle against Samara, and Miranda was arguing metaphysics with Dr. Chakwas.

"Well," Chakwas sighed, not willing to admit defeat, but retreating instead, "I'm beat. You ladies enjoy your evening!"

Miranda smirked triumphantly as everyone muttered their 'goodnights'.

Jack whooped and hollered as she finally defeated Samara, but judging by the justicar's solemn smile, she simply had allowed Jack to win to prevent conflict.

"Alright, my little space sluts," Shepard laughed playfully, "We've been segregated long enough. Why don't we all discuss Kasumi's unrequited love for Jacob?"

"If it's so unrequited, why did he spend all of yesterday's shore leave with me?"

There were lots of 'ooh's as Kasumi delved in to retelling her story. Soon an hour had passed and everyone had gone there separate ways. Only Shepard and Miranda remained, a bottle of asari wine keeping them company.

"So... You and I both know we aren't the best of pals."

"Well, Shepard, if you ran things by the book I'm sure we'd get along just fine. Though I still owe you big time for helping me with Ori."

Silence.

"...I do love that movie."

"What?"

"Star Wars! The vid we just all watched?"

"Oh really, Shepard, I doubt anyone was actually watching. Besides, who hasn't seen Star Wars? It's one of the best old-era sci-fi films humanity has ever created."

Shepard sighed, standing up from her position on the couch, dusting her grey yoga pants off, and adjusting her pink tank top,which clashed miserably with her dark skin.

"Why is everything always about humanity with you? How great humanity is, what we've achieved, what we can do- you sound just like the illusive man. Like you hate all other creatures or something."

"Well, humanity is the best chance the known universe has at successfully progressing. Don't forget- the Collectors may be taking down humans, but it will be a human taking them down. Isn't that right, Commander Shepard?"

Shepard rolled her eyes, picking up trash left behind from her night guests.

"Riiiight. Next you'll be telling me how sad it is that all other life forms are utter barbarians, and that it's the 'human being's burden' to civilize them."

Miranda laughed. "Your files mentioned your sensitivity to racial issues. A result from living in the still under-developed Africa, I suppose."

"More like a result of seeing how others take advantage of the less fortunate. You'll have read in my files about my village, no doubt."

"Of course. Tiny, dirty, disconnected. People would do anything just to get out and make something of themselves- which you did. Quite successfully I might add. So why are you still so touchy about it now?"

"Because I didn't let success make me forget where I came from."

"Alright, you have a point. I still say humanity is our best hope.

Silence.

"Damn good movie though."

"Goodness, Shepard! What is with you and this movie?"

"Remember the wire trap bit? With the walkers? So cool."

"Yes, I suppose it was... What's your point?"

"I'd give anything to recreate it."

"I guess it could be interesting."

Silence once again filled the room as Shepard took another swig of wine, swirling it carefully in her mouth as she thought.

"I wanna recreate that scene." Shepard said suddenly.

Miranda scoffed.

"No, really! I wanna do it! And you're gonna help me!"

"I will do nothing of the sort!"

"Oh yes you will! I'm your Commander and you will do as I say! You're helping me! C'mon, Miranda, we never see eye to eye on anything! This could finally be our opportunity to bond!"

"Okay, fine. Let's just say I go along with your ridiculous plan. How on earth are we going to recreate the scene? It's not exactly like we have walkers..."

"I think I have an idea. It involves a little help from another species..."

(/)

"Shepard, this is absolutely mad."

"Shh! You'll blow our cover!"

The next day marked the second day of shore leave for the SR2 crew. Geared up in sneaking suits and cloaking tech borrowed from Kasumi, Miranda and Shepard wove through the busy Citadel crowds as they devised a plan.

Today marked the hundred and seventh anniversary of Representation Day, a holiday celebrating Hanar's representation in Council Space. Though they were actually allowed to have ambassadors meet with the Council much sooner, the holiday didn't come until much later. As it was, hundreds of happy hanar wearing decorative sashes and leg bands were traveling through the Citadel. Shepard and Miranda surveyed the crowd, voices low, picking their prey.

"It's simple, we find the biggest, baddest hanar we can get our hands on, cloak, wrap 'em up, and get out of here. Got it?"

"This is still an awful id-"

"[ATTENTION CITADEL VISITORS, THE HANAR REPRESENTATION DAY PARADE WILL BEGIN IN THE PRESIDIUM IN FOURTEEN MINUTES. BE SURE TO BE THERE TO SUPPORT YOUR NEWLY ELECTED HANAR AMBASSADOR]."

There was much commotion as the Citadel shoppers of Zakera ward scrambled to get out of the way of the crowd of Hanar that formed. Shepard was unfortunate enough to get caught up in the surge, getting completely separated from Miranda, and knocked into an Ambassador only lounge. As she hit the ground the cloaking device on her suit deployed, and in the blink of an eye she was gone.

Scrambling to her feet, Shepard turned at first to run for the nearest exit and find her Second in Command in the frenzy, but upon hearing voices in the lounge, she changed her mind and followed the sound.

"I mean really," came the first voice, "You know they're saying this guy got elected illegally? The asari tried to call for a recount, but they were ignored. Said there were bigger issue at hand, like clearing out the rest of the wreckage from the Geth attack."

"With annoyance: yes, I heard. But the hanar still seem to be satisfied with the choice."

Based on the sound it was obvious that the second voice belonged to an Elcor, and the gravelly tone of voice made it clear that the first speaker was Turian.

"It's ridiculous. At least the runner up- and rightful winner I'd say- seem to have a more galaxy wide perspective. This nut only has the hanars' interests in mind!"

"With great disgust: you'd think the Council would have something to say about this."

"As if the damned Council does anything these days. And have you seen this guy? He's at least three times the size of the average Hanar! They might mistake him for a float in this little parade of theirs!"

Shepard had heard enough. It seemed the new ambassador for the hanar was a dirty rotten cheater- the sort of guy that deserved to have his day ruined. Not to mention he sounded huge for a Hanar.

As Shepard ran off to have her fun with only three minutes left before the parade, the elcor and Turian continued their conversation.

"It doesn't matter anyway. Apparently the blue suns didn't take too kindly to this guy being put into power. Something about a personal vendetta. They ordered a hit on him. This little parade will be his last."

(/)

"There you are! Where have you been?"

Shepard ran to the back of the mass of Citadel visitors, finding Miranda searching in all directions for her lost commander.

"Sorry, got swept up in the crowd. It doesn't matter- I know who we're gonna get!"

"Who?"

"The ambassador himself. Turns out he wasn't fairly elected. He's also massive compared to most Hanar! I love ruining a liar's day."

"Shepard, this is crazy! There's going to be security everywhere. Fairly elected or not, this man represents an entire alien species for the Citadel. Do you have any idea of the mess we could get into if we get caught?"

"That's what makes it fun!"

Miranda was about to protest, but was cut off by loud, disjointed music. It sounded like a collection of screams and sputtering, and was followed by the lights of the presidium dimming so low that Shepard could barely see two feet in front of her. Suddenly, lights of all colors flashed everywhere, lighting the walkway in short, four second intervals before going dark gain.

"Typical Hanar celebration," Miranda shouted over the 'music', "Alright, Shepard, I'll play along! But if we get into trouble I won't cover for you!"

"Didn't think you would!" Shepard yelled. "C'mon! I think I see his float!"

Three times the size of an average Hanar was an understatement. The Hanar ambassador was absolutely massive. For a fleeting moment Shepard had though it was a Hanar-shaped blimp, but upon seeing the security around him, she realised it was the ambassador himself.

"Fuck yes! C'mon Miranda! Grab your wires and cloak up!"

"Shepard! I really think we should-"

But it was too late. Shepard took off running, her cloak once again deploying as she neared the float and jumped on. Sighing in defeat, Miranda engaged her own cloaking device and hurried after her, flipping herself roughly onto the float and rolling into a C-Sec guard who eyed his feet curiously upon impact. Hurrying to her feet, Miranda lept up a small staircase to the ambassador's level, and stood on his left. A glitter of blue light from no where told her Shepard was on his right.

They were of one mind as the entire Citadel was illuminated in emerald green before momentarily going dark again. As the Presidium darkened again they made their move.

Pulling thick wires from their sneaking suits, Miranda and Shepard ran circles around the gargantuan Hanar. Whereas moments ago he was serenely observing his admirers from his float, he was now looking around himself in great confusion as his legs drew themselves irresistably closer together before the inevitable happened.

All at once a great many things happened. The air above them glowed a dazzling pink as the great hanar crashed onto his side. There were gasps and yells as he came down, and then screams and the lights went out very abruptly. Gunshots were fired into the confusion as people of all species ran to get away.

Finally the lights returned to full power.

No longer were the parade floats moving. No longer was there a a sense of merriment. Shepard and Miranda rose from the bottom of the float where theyd been thrown unceremoniously as the carts stopped in the darkness. Both were still thankfully cloaked. They both looked around, eyeing the damage.

The first car in the train of floats was only two cars ahead of them, and was on fire. The people who had been watching the parade had scattered, Shepard could still see some of them running to get away from the mess. The back four cars had slammed into each other, and were smoking slighlty. Miranda could see the arms and legs of a few who did not get away fast enough under the wreckage. Finally they turned to their float.

All twelve c-sec guards were dead, bullet wounds so dead-center in their foreheads it would make Garrus blush. Miraculously, the only one who hadn't been injured was the ambassador, who was twitching and squirming as he tried desperately to get up.

Miranda and Shepard locked eyes momentarily, even though both were still cloaked. In the distance, both could see blue and white clad mercenaries scattering on the upper deck of the Presidium-

Blue Suns.

"Shepard," Miranda gasped, uncloaking as she worked to untie the disgruntled ambassador, "Did you know-"

"I had no idea," She whispered, moving to help Miranda as she, too, removed her cloak.

"This one is confused! What has just happened?! Why-"

"Is there any reason why the Blue Suns would come after you?"

The Hanar was silent as they looked him over for wounds, all of which were very minor. Soon medics and C-Sec were surrounding the parade train, digging people from under the rubble and putting out fires.

"This one is... Unsure. This one could not fathom-"

"At least a dozen people are dead right now and it all points to you. Speak."

The Hanar turned sheepishly to Miranda as he finally stood upright.

"This one... Was not honest. This form contacted the rival Eclipse to ensure its victory. This is why the Asari did not contest the election. The Blue Suns were upset that their own candidate...disappeared very suddenly before the final vote..."

"So you payed off the Eclipse to take care of your competitors and crossed the Blue Suns along the way. Why would the gangs care about the Hanar ambassador anyway?"

"Because," Miranda chimed in, who had been on her omni-tool the entire time "according to this recent report, a toxic substance was recently found on Kajhe that apparently has affects similar to red sand, but would be much cheaper to produce. It's already been banned in council space. Having the Hanar ambassador around to possibly lift the ban would be great, don't you think Shepard?"

"I certainly do, Miranda."

Both rounded on the large alien with smug looks on their faces as C-Sec guards, whom had heard the entire exchange, closed in on the ambassador.

(/)

An hour later, most of the wreckage was cleared and the Hanar was taken off in shackles. Miranda and Shepard both sat in the bar, toasting a job well done.

"The Illusive Man sent me a message," Miranda said, quirking an eyebrow.

"Oh? And what does it say?"

"'Good job. Now don't do it again.'"

Both laughed as they downed the rest of their drinks and stretched out in their stools.

"You know, Shepard... I know I can be uptight, but it's just because I want to get the job done, and done right."

"I know. But that doesn't mean you can't have fun in the meantime."

Silence.

"Star Wars... Damn good movie, eh Shepard?"

"Ha! I'll toast to that!"


End file.
